AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

Hello...

If pictures could express how I am feeling right now...it would probably be this picture;

AAAAAAAARGUH

Or maybe...this one?

 You fuck my wife??

NEIN!

Or maybe like THIS one...just without the murderous...racist...homophobic...mass murdering and sly backbone!

...well I thought it was funny...

Anyway - moving on from angry babies and Hitler, the reason I am so wound up is because I have to leave Uni today...and it has been stressful enough leading up to this final event without all the shit that has happened today making me feel like hammering nails into my eyes.

Not to mention I had to say good bye to my fantastic girlfriend yesterday for the summer and that has left me feeling really down on top of it all.

I may need one of these babys...

 

ALL OF MY STUFF IS PACKED AND ON TIME TOO, might I just add before anyone asks what I did wrong.

No, the blame all lays on my parents. Who not only fucked up my chances of having my brother pick me up earlier than this (tomorow is the final deadline for leaving Uni accomodation) but now they have fucked over the kind person picking me up by telling them the WRONG thing and blaming it on me! I told this guy exactly what I needed to happen, and my Dad then told him something differant it would seem.

My shoulders ache from lifting heavy boxes all day today and yesterday and packing. I'm tired, not sure when the van is going to turn up, hoping that the uncle picking me up can FIND my halls because he has never been here before and it's a BITCH to navigate.

All in all...not a good day so far. All I want right now is to go home, unpack my things and have a big hug from my girlfriend. However...I don't know when I will next see Lucy because everything COSTS SO MUCH MONEY and after buying a house for next year yesterday I don't have squat. Not to mention I am only going back home to angry parents and am promised a long car journey with a miffed/stressed/tired uncle. Great.

Well, I'm sorry. I've been pestered for a new post for ages and after a long time of promising with no results you get a rant rather than another attempt at me trying to be funny.

I shall show you this to compensate you.

Don't say I never get you nothin' - this is all for you right here...it sums up all my love and affection for you that is buried under so much bile at the moment. I love you man.

Have a good day. Peace out.

The adventures of old wang ladies~

*ahem*

This post comes with a WARNING of immaturity and lots of phalicness ahead. If you decide to look, theeeen you can't complain at me for my sillyness.

SO, I am about to begin a story filled with all things stupid. I hope you are sitting comfortably.

This morning I woke up feeling pretty unwell, but eventually made it to my Japanese Culture lectures and as it turns out I missed a few interesting things while I was trying to summon the will to get out of bed.

The lecture was called Japanese Religions - so I was quite sad to miss the beggining anyway. However, I then learned that not ONLY had I missed the part where our lecturer had to explain the wonders that is "Mr Happiness"a Japanese Buddhist Monk who tries to big up the number of visitors to his shrine by performing youth culture inspired sermons. *couldn't think of a better word for it sorry* http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8L-oRCBgV0

But I also missed the part where out lecturer had to explain the Kanamara Matsuri (penis festival) to a hall of Uni students...damn...I always miss out on the best bits somehow.

There is also a simarlar vagina festival the day before this festival, where 40 men carry a giant vagina through the streets, the women the next day will pull along a giant penis carving. They will carry them to the local shrine to promote good harvest and fertility. Then there is the chance to buy many phalic and vagina themed treats. (Yaaay!)

 This woman looks like an Asian Anne Robinson with a strap-on

on her face doesn't she? I'm sure she was the life of the 

party...

That's right ladies...stroke that giant penis...

that is just how the old men perverts like

it...

It's like Brighton, except the sticks of rock here 

could give the old ladies heart attacks...

Or maybe not...(look at that face - have you ever

seen such pure delight on an old ladies face

before?)

That's right big boy...they're looking at you!

I have never seen a maid hugging something so phalic

while pulling such a scary face...(don't ask me 

what I do at the weekends please...)

If you were having any troubles in your life you could 

borrow one of the shrines many wooden penis sculptures

to try and help you over come them. Then you would

return it for others to use.

Women will carry them for fertility and to protect themselves

from illness. I should imagine it could also work well

protecting them from attackers too...*WHACK*

She is having way to much fun pretending she has a penis...

"Hold on tight Ladies...it's going to be a BUMPY ride!"

Mochi is weird at the best of times...

Just what you always wanted - a mochi penis and vagina set!

(Don't lie, I know you do.)

Could they make that any more detailed? *shudder*

SO! What have I learnt today? Well, I have learnt that the Japanese love their genitals. That Japanese monks are the hippest kind of monks. What has this taught me about Japanese religion? F**king nothing but it makes for an excellent blog post! Right? Am I right? I feel like we have become just that little bit closer...broken down some walls and such...

No?

Oh well, in which case I should think of going to bed soon. Except...I'm kindof scared I'm gonna dream of giant wangs now...

Night! x

I haven't posted in ages again, have I? Whoops

Sorry about that, in all honesty not a lot has been going on. I've been battling with my body, trying to convince it that sleep IS a good idea. Then once it finally agrees with me, I then have to convince it that waking up feeling REFRESHED is what most people expect. Not to be too fussy or anything but I grow tired of trying to pry myself from my bed sheets when I'm feeling like I haven't slept, when I know I have.

  Mr Professor Sir Jeremy Humpledink shares

my feelings.

Also, it has gotten to that stage where work is piling up on top of me. It feels a bit like a very fat sweaty man is sitting on my conscience...you just can't forget that he's there. Ever. Even when enjoying myself I feel his damp hands molesting my joy, making it dirty and wrong.

I feel so abused...

 There I was, innocently eating out with friends, and I heard him whisper to me inside my head. "Don't forget...you have  two essays due soon...soon...soon...soon..." his last ominous word hung in my mind, echoing through the empty spaces. (There are many.) Then he stopped to ask if he could have a slice of my mates pizza...

 I feel so isolated...he has me right where he wants me. Giving him pizza just to get him to leave me alone for two seconds.

 Honestly! Why can't I have a pretty woman asking me to do my work! I would probably listen then...

"Do your work, now."

 Fffff anything you say, Drew Barrymore!

 . . .

 Okay, I've just admitted to fancying a Charlies Angel haven't I? *nervous cough* I promise that all the films I watch are not as tacky. I mean in only the past two weeks I have watched some AWSOME films, for example,

Okay so this isn't "awsome" per se,
but I mean...I-I..OKAY onto the 
next film.

Okay I know what this looks like
but I can explain!...*whimper*

YAAY! SEE! I WATCH AWSOME FILMS! How
could you not love this film, it stars Mr T!

"Oh yeah."

 Also, you've gotta love Steve the monkey and the ratbirds, right? It's a brilliant film and I fully recommend it if you are looking for a laugh. As for the other two films...well, what can I say? They are excellent films because they are terrible films. Something trashy to watch when you don't want to think about anything.

Well, with that I shall leave you,

 Ta ta!   

  

  

Russell Howard, Right here, Right now

RUSSELL HOWARD FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF! *ahem* sorry...

Yeah so I went to see Russell Howard live at the London O2 Arena with Lucy, Billy and James yesterday.

RUSSEL HOWARD - FUCK YEAH!

His show was AMAZING - I actually laughed so hard that I had a panic attack from hyperventilating so much as I left. 

One of his best jokes was about the random metaphors people use to explain that someone is gay. 

It would be simpler if we all gays wore penis

suits. Right, Dick?

For example, one of the ones he used was,

"Hmm I think he likes to put his skipping rope in the glove compartment..."

Ouch.

Or,

"They like to put their cake in wheelie bins!"

What a waste...that's some fine

gay cake right there.

This joke was ended by Russell shouting,

"FOR FUCKS SAKE! Just SAY what is really going on here! HE LIKES TO FUCK MEN! HE LIKES TO FUCK MEN!" *inappropriate crotch thrusting of awsomeness*

Steve approves of this.

His show was just one excellent joke after another, he ripped apart Twilight, Beiber, the Royal family, Katy Perry, Gaga and many other silly TV personalities.

We didn't get back until gone midnight and we were all exhausted when we finally reached Oxford again. (Considering we left for London at 10 this was a pretty long day)

The only downside was that Kat couldn't come to London with us. It was a shame, I would have loved her to be there. We had an excellent weekend with her around in Oxford though, we saw Tangled (fucking brilliant film), ate at Yo Sushi! and watched Water Boys - another crack-tastic Japanese film all about an all male synchronised swimming team. (Also well worth the watch)

We also watched Despicable Me together, that is a great film, so funny.

PEOOOOW! GO CHUBBEH

CHILD GOOOOO!

And with that - I think it is time to go pick Lucy up from Uni~ Byeee~

Next year, I may be blogging from my new home, a cardboard box

Hey guys~ Guess what? Finding a new home to live in, in your second year of Uni is FUCKING EFFORT.

Lucy and I have found a house we REALLY want. But to have this house we have to find a third person, because it is a three bedroomed house and the University won't give it to any group less than a three because of this.

We have had two people who have raised our hopes slightly for having this house, but (through no fault of their own) have had to gently turn us down. We need this house. Not only is it the cutest little house, (only five rooms in totall, a kitchen, bathroom and three bedrooms) but it is VERY cheap for Oxford housing. A two person place can cost each person up to £210 a week, without all bills included. This would cost us £82 pp, only excluding internet bills.

This is Puggy, contemplating the strifes of this world.

Puggy is a metaphor for my feelings of worries

and insecurites.

But yeah, at least I've made a good friend out of this problem. One of the people who was thinking of joining us is called Alastair, a.k.a Prickman. Prickman is his nickname which Asya gave to him, it has stuck. However this has caused some troubles when it comes to remembering it;

Alastair: so, wanna take my number so we can keep in touch?

Me: HOKAY! *takes number* ...

Alastair: what's wrong?

Me: what's your name again? Prick...what?

Alastair + Lucy: *bursts out laughing while I look genuinly confused*

Alastair: ahh~ we're gonna get along!

Me:...?

OH! Billy brought me an early Valentine's cupcake! As my husband he felt it was his duty, it had a cute little heart plastic ring on top. It tasted weird though, so I felt I had to let the others know of course, in my usual manner...

Me: this tastes funny...

Billy: how so?

Me: it's crunchy on the outside...and gooey on the inside...a bit like eating Nick Clegg...

Billy, Lucy and Alastair: *burst out laughing*

So yeaaah...I think that's all that has been going on lately... OH! Billy, James, Lucy and I also watched the Japanese 70's film "House" the other day. It was hilarious, not only because it is from the 70's and so is not of the BEST quality when it comes to special effects...

  The front cover...

A piano eating a girl... "this is rather strange"

I hear you say. But oh, it gets better!

It's as trippy and psychadelic as any film could be

and still remain legal.

"AHAHAHAHAHAA!"

Hmm...giant lips...maybe I should stop taking acid now...

Nice legs...too bad you are being electrocuted

and will soon be hopping round as dismembered legs.

"Hello thar!"

So yeah, this film is just another excuse for Japanese people to see naked, scared school girls, the nakedness, I don't mind, it's rather nice since they are all pretty cute girls. However, the deaths and the crack-tastic-ness (yes this is a technical term I will have you know) is just an added treat to me. I actually really enjoyed it, it is a brilliant film to laugh over with friends.

And to top it off, THIS woman;

She looks like almost EXACTLY like our Japanese reading and writing teacher...

Except with white hair.

Me: Is it just me, or does she look like Suzuko-sensei?

Others: OMG YES!

Lucy: Except with white hair...omg...SHE'S SUZUKO THE WHITE! (You can tell we've been having LOTR's marathons...)

Us: *burst out laughing*

*later on in the film, suzuko rises from her wheelchair, after claiming earlier that she was bound to it, and the girls step back in shock*

Lucy: OMG SHE'S EXACTLY LIKE GANDALF!...OR SARUMAN!

Me: *man voice* I AM SARUMAN!

Lucy: *man voice* I have had a sex change!

Me: *trying not to laugh in her man voice* These silicon boobs are so heavy! How do you girls do it?!

So yeah... It was fun.

Ambrosio rates this film 9/10.

Adios!

Edit: Okay, so I have just been reminded that Prickman's nickname is actually "Prickston". Sorry Pricky! Except this just proves my point that I cannot remember anything after Prick...I HAS THE MOSTEST IMPORTANT BIT DOWN! : <

No. I can't draw. End of discussion.

Helloooo thar!

What a fabulous day it is, huh? It is a Monday, right? Wrong! It is a FABULOUS MONDAY! A SPECTANGULAR Monday! (Spectangular is a word I made up because apparently I can't read the word spectacular without messing it up...)

No, I'm not too happy, you are too gloomy! I have to try and remain optimistic! Mondays are AWSOME!

So yeah, not a lot has happened in my life lately, so I'll try to keep this short...

I am still alive, I am still breathing, kicking, and not being on time for things. (Some things never change, eh Cristina?) I have tried to take up drawing again, it hasn't worked out too well for me.

Lucy and I are going to watch Eclipse together...that is how exciting my life is at the moment. Doesn't that sum things up nicely? I think I should give you a picture to demostrate how EXCITED I am about this film.

Omg...I'm so happy right now. So happy, I could crap my pants.

 

MAN that baby is wrinkly...

 

BYE! 

Now I can get back to doing nothing

Well, my reading and writing homework for Japanese is done. So now I can go back to living...no...ENJOYING life again!

 cow of inner worth approves of this.

So yeah, life is all good again. I can get back to writing what I want, doing homework as it suits me best and being stupid with friends.

I've got my friend Kat visiting me soon. This is amazing news. I mean, how can you not be excited about seeing the friend who from the word go joked with you about having sex with kangaroos? 

This is all for you, Kat. <3

The original joke behind the whole kangaroo fucking topic was that there is a law in Australia which states that you may only LEGALLY fuck a kangaroo if you are drunk. I know right? What a handy loophole!

 

Now all my future trips to Australia to visit my family (at some point when I can be bothered that is) will be enhanced by the kangaroo luvin' I can have...LEGALLY!

Do you know what amuses me more though? When you type "sexy kangaroo" into Google images, you see this...

 

Whut the FUCK is that!? She has a whole other LIFE FORM bursting out from her chest!

 

Where have I seen this before...?

 

Close...Close...but not quite what I was thinking of...

 

 

Mmm...phalic.

Much better.

Anyway, the point is, I am free to do my own thing...and kagaroo-pouch mother care shirts are shit scary.

If I ever become a mother, I want to be able to humiliate my child like that. I want to be the sort of mother who kids never want to admit is theirs in public.

Well I'm off to write~ I shall put up the next chapter of Dream walker when I forget to procrastinate...

Bye bye~ xxxx